you should've held my hand

i need to talk to you so badly chris
you have no idea
for the first time in a long time i realized that when i need to get a hold of you and i cant i feel like im going crazy and i look around the room im in and plan any and everyway to kill myself if something happens to you
i cant make it without you, you're my world,
you're my everything
god i need you so bad
i wish i had a way to get in contact with you
i still love you more than anything
you really dont know how paniced i am right now
please get a hold of me, i've been online for hours waiting
i dont like waiting to see how you are, i like knowing how you are right away
=[
i love you chris     

Chris and I had a loving conversation tonight

I love him so much its unreal but it feels amazing <3333

I can't wait to marry him, i just wanna see him and cuddle with him and kiss him and everything!

I'm so ridiculously happy with him <3


ANYWAYS, tonight i moved my dresser and then i moved my really heavy desk over and now i can actually do stuff at my desk lmao. I found all the medicine i should be taking! 4 pills, 1 spray, 1 eye drops, 1 liquid. hahaha wow. I'd be happier and in less pain with it yet i lose them all the time. My prescriptions are up this month and my health insurance won't cover my doctors appointments starting next month so i'm only taking them on an as need basis. eek!

I'm so absurdly tired but I had a good night and I'm going to bed with a smile on my face =]

I love my boyfriend <3

yeah. cant sleep.
story of my life.

i just read the super cute post my boyfriend left =]
gah i love you so much sweetheart you have no earthly idea. i can't wait to marry you in december, i kind of wish it was like tomorrow! but then it wouldn't be planned. i wouldn't mind eloping though haha :D. so sometime this week, after i figure how i'm paying to fix some stuff on my car i'm buying a planner so i can officially completely start planning everything for the wedding. i decided to wait until he gets here to see if we can find a wedding planner. gah i'm so excited i cant wait to start looking for my wedding dress or my bridesmaids dresses. EEK!!!! i've started picking out colors that i'd like for the tables, flowers, simple stuff but not like the plates, food, location of the wedding or reception, guest list, any of that. omg today i had a conversation with jason about chris while he was taking a look at my car and giving me an estimate and he was like "so who is this boy" and i smiled and was like my dream guy duh and he laughed and was like "am i going to meet him" and i was like i dont know depends if you're free when he's here and if we have time and he laughed and said he'd give me a discount if he could and i was like yay and then i left and came home.

omg i have to plan an engagement party, like me and him and family and friends that i want to be around to tell them when its official. omgggggg i dont know where or when.  i know it'd be easier to just tell everyone together than to have to drive around and everything seperately its just crazy and hectic and i dont know.

im a spaz sorry.

i have so much going through my head for the wedding its going like a million miles a minute but its too fast that i can't type out and ugh wow.

anyways i'm going to go draw and think out more of the wedding and write it down before i forget. gahhhh

i love my boo =]

okay
chris and i are talking right now
i dont like his friend much he lied and said he was hurt and in the hospital and that i shouldnt even be contacted if anything happened to him because im so far and ugh i cried because he lied and said chris died and i just about lost it but then chris was like baby its me im fine sorry about him hes trashed off his ass and i was like *Cries cries cries*


then my mom came into the room and started screaming at me for no reason and ugh

im out of books to read and im broke so i cant go buy anymore so i shall die of boredom. lame.


yeah
i read
a LOT.

yeah
im worried
chris and i never go a day without talking
i feel like i cant breathe im so worried
criessssss



today sucked
i went to work
got my work schedule for next week at outback and yeah i got cut down to 1 day now
gay


my car almost died on me today
new alternator: 266.
new moter for door: 80
me= broke. still.

ugh
im worried sick about chris
you have no earthly idea
ughhhhhhhh ='[

YEAH. thats what im doing. cry cry cry *puke* cry cry cry *puke* repeat.

im sick to my stomach about everything you said and you act like it isnt a big deal well it kind of is.

i hate myself so much right now
you have no earthly idea
if i could id walk into on coming traffic
i wont
my "friends" already have 3 funerals to go to this week
i wont add to it


i had a panic attack a little while ago
it hurt so much you have no idea
my heart still hurts
and it hurts to breathe
i feel like im on fire
i cant think straight
my heads pounding
i wish you could hold me
but you'd probably look at me like i had 3 heads
im so fucked up
you have no idea
you dont know what goes through my mind all day
if any of you heard
you'd be like
"wow she seriously needs help"

then again
i want to cut up dead people for a living
so who knows.

i want to curl up in a ball and cry
and puke
and cry some more
then pass out
but i wont
i cant sleep
i can barely function
ofcourse you dont notice though
i dont let it show.

  today is one of those days where you feel like complete crap for everything!
i have 2 jobs but i'm not saving any money because i constantly have a bill to pay or something
my car is gonna completely die on me soon.
i have a feeling the next thing will be the alternator. fuck. its not like i have any money to get all of that shit fixed or buy a new car.
i dont even know if i can even go to community college in the fall so this is all going to be gay
i feel like crying
why is everything going wrong at once?!


ajkhsrgjkhflhsgfj

i'm going to watch a movie and hopefully wake up early tomorrow and go job hunting before and after work and maybe look around for cars.
sighhh

okay cant sleep.. yet again big shocker.
im proud of myself though. i ran tonight.
but omg im so out of shape. i don't like it
anyways i'll start with what happened a while ago :D

chris and i talked online for a bit,
i said things i never thought i'd say but he didn't think i was a freak,
in fact he said he liked it =]
we talked for a little bit until he went to bed, i dont blame him he was up early at work =[

then i took my mom to work and this guy in front of us was swerving a bit so i kept a slight distance back and he tried to wave me forward but my turn was coming up and he took the turn too, he was on the right lane and i was on the left and he lowered his window and called me a fucking bitch, im pretty sure he was drunk. then i took my mom to work, i came home, watched the wedding planner =] and then went for a run and i ran into john, i knew him when i was a mat rat and well omg we're both out of shape haha.
the last conversation i had with this kid was like in november and it went like this:
me: hi
him: hey?
me: how tall are you?
him: 6'5"
me: wow you're tall
him: i know
me: ok well just wanted to say you're pretty
him: hahahaha thanks you're adorable and short
me: 5'4" and damn proud
him: *Smiles and laughes* what school ya from?
me: katy taylor duh
him: thats cool
me: if you say so, anyways good luck on your next match, unless its against my school. in that case i'll hope you suck
him: you too
me: *yelling across the gym* yo coach he's like 6'5" and he still wrestles this weight class wtf!?
coach: claire dont yell and cuss across the gym

(hes 6'5" and wrestles in 170) yeah hes tall and skinny but like all muscle i was like ewww too much muscle

i like my boys skinny and little to no muscle :D

anyways we ran and well when i was a mat rat i could've run a mile in less than half the time it took me to run one tonight so i could've run 6 in the time it took me to the run the 3 i ran. gayyyyy
oh well im determined to be able to do that again even if it means running everyday
plus i wanna look hot for chris ;]

anyways i came home
watched csi miami and i got a text from a forever ago ex
yeah turns out he's gay now? i was like what?
he dated this victorias secret model for forever after we broke up and then turns out hes gay gosh that must suck for her and his jaw dropped when i said i was going to get engaged and then he was like well he better be hot and i was like um duh you dip stick.

ok i am going to go watch another movie and text people until i pass out from exhaustion
which suprisingly im still really wide awake and not tired at all.
im gonna regret it tomorrow though
im working BOTH jobs!
eeek!!!!

today i was woken up by my lovely boyfriend. yes. it was early but did i get up and run like i wanted? no i laid around and stayed lazy yay!

i stayed in bed pretty late just talking and texting with him, i loved it. i can't wait to wake up and kiss his beautiful face every morning. anyways he sent me the cutest things ever today.

this is what my boyfriend does while he is at work:



and



and




i love his cute childish drawings =]
anyways after i got up i went to the store to look at the planners didnt see one i liked so i went to another store and bought dvds: the wedding planner, wild things, and elektra, all good =]
on the way out i saw this guy looked familiar.

then i realized it was dan the man.

he didnt recognize me and grabbed my ass and i hit him and was like dude you have a fucking fiance nd he was like what and then realized it was me and was all oh shit and i rolled my eyes and said fuck you and i left and went home.

i ate lunch and watched the movies right now im watching wild things. seems good so far.

ive been thinking about getting a lip ring but i don't think i'll look good with one. i need other peoplesopinions oh well i dont care i want to seem presentable

i know my mom would flip, my family would criticize me forever, and chris' mom would probably think im a bigger slut than i am, im not btw. she just thinks that


anyways i'm going to go rack my brain since i feel like walking in circles.

i cant sleep.

and for some reason the internet is working right now? yeah but not when i needed it to talk to the lovely boyfriend christopher. yes the boyfriend. soon to be fiance =]
this is him.

please don't hate me love =]
this will probably almost always be my favorite picture of him <3


yep still can't sleep.
go figure. its 2am.
i took a hot shower oh my god it felt pretty damn amazing. for some reason though i felt ridiculously dirty. *cries* so i scrubbed every inch of my body with my hand-towel. yeah. mhmm. then after i got out of the shower i realized, my face is really pale. the rest of me is tan but my face, pale. i don't know why. then i was standing there looking in the mirror and i noticed. that after i ended up sliding down this weird rail thing, ok i lied. i fell down and hit myself a lot on the way down, i have these weird scars on the right side of my stomach, near my belly button. it looks like i have stretch marks but its from falling and hitting the damn rail 20 million times! why'd i have to climb so i high up why!?!!!!! *cries and pulls hoodie down over stomach*

today was uneventful. well technically yesterday since it was friday and now its saturday!
well anyways, YESTERDAY i woke up late. like super late and i frowned when i looked at my phone. christopher didn't wake me. sad? yes. beyond i was like w-t-f? because he ALWAYS wakes me but then i remembered. he planned a day at the lake with his friend, fat justin. so i didn't get to talk to his lovely face until later. i rolled around in the covers for a bit, slept a little more, yes i know i'm a tad lazy get over it, i have enough energy to last days :D
anyways i stayed in bed until about 1 then i got up had a glass of chocolate milk and took a quick shower and got dressed then i got a call, asking if i could go into work because someone didn't show up. it was for bahama mama's so i didn't mind at all. i'd rather them than outback call me. so i went in and stay til a little after 5 which then i came home and talked to my lovely boyfriend and during a short break i ran out and got food =D

i really shouldn't eat so much, i've gained a little weight i feel so self-concious now oh god.  *cries*

i came home and we talked some more and then soon enough it was time to take mother to work, on the way there she gives me money for gas, thank god i was freaking out about it. heeeee. anyways i get to the gas station, and i can't find the money!!!!! i'm panicing looking  EVERYWHERE can't find it and this guy sees me almost start crying and i yelled stop staring at me you creeper and he was like um use a credit card duh so i pull out my new black credit card that i STILL have NOT used. shocker, girl hasn't used new credit card! GASP! yeah so i paid with my card then i went in to buy some candy [ again i know i shouldn't be eating much] and my mother calls me and was like did you get gas? yes mother i'm at the gas station right now and i roll my eyes and hang up. i reached in my back pocket and theres the money she gave me and i was like w-t-h because i was sitting when she gave it to me, i didn't have a chance to put it back there but whatever. then i got a call from my friend said she worked at a place that sold those daily planner things and well, i need one i'm so scatter brained its ridiculous so tomorrow i shall buy one.

i'll be needing one to plan my wedding =]
ahhh i'm so excited *screams and dances around like an idiot*

sighhh =]

anyways i'm going to go make some teddy bear tea and then put some honey in it from the teddy bear bottle and hopefully that'll help me get to sleep!

i plan to wake up early and maybe go running.
thats a new goal
run a bit each day

i remember when i used to run like crazy but back then things were different, i wasn't so fucked up.
and by that, i mean i was young and oblivious and didn't have a care in the world.
before it hated me and i went through stuff
anyways
wish me luck!